On this week’s episode of “Just What the Hell is Going On Out Here,” we have ourselves a double scoop of awful offense, sponsored by the stinkiest Steelers offense I’ve ever seen. We can’t pretend that Mike Tomlin can just rely on sheer willpower and duct tape to make do with what he has for a second straight year. Last season, MacGyver Tomlin was able to construct a surprise gadget that somehow maintained his unthinkable streak of years without a losing season.

Some might ask how he did it, but NOT ME. I don’t care how Tomlin managed to secure a playoff berth with an offense that not only could not but should not have even tried to pass the ball. The Steelers ran the ball 43% of the time, landing them third highest in the league in rushing rate. But trust me, they didn’t do much with the rock when they ran it. They only averaged 8.8 points in the first half of games last season, and that sure ain’t selling tickets or t-shirts! In 2023, the Steelers were slow, boring, and aside from the occasional highlight catch by George Pickens—one that didn’t even count because he caught it in the third row of the stands—they weren’t even a threat to score. Yes, we all understand that the guys in the other jerseys get paid too, but this roster has too much offensive talent to be this bad. The experiment with the hometown kid Kenny Pickett is officially over as Tomlin and staff move on from their 20th overall selection from 2022 and onto the NFL’s most terrifying roller coaster. You know the old saying: “If you have two quarterbacks, you really have none,” and that is exactly the math the Steelers are doing right now.

This offseason, the Black and Yellow acquired Russell Wilson and Justin Fields to make a significant improvement in both talent and experience at the quarterback position. Wilson, a proven vet who has seen it all as a signal caller, was expected to be the stabilizing force and provide maturity to the offensive unit. Or it could be Justin Fields who emerges as the starter, bringing massive physical gifts that allow him to be explosive with the ball as a runner. The problem is that neither of these pipe dreams seems to be fitting together at all in the Steel City. Justin Fields continues to miss open wide receivers when he’s not simply dropping the snap and can’t seem to consistently make his legs an asset. What’s the point of having Superman’s powers if you’re never going to decide to run for a damn first down? Wilson, meanwhile, seems to give you just the routine stuff—he gets the ball out on time with decent accuracy when the throw is open and easy, but he’s not attacking downfield at all. His preseason performance looks more like that of a shell-shocked rookie who doesn’t see the field and elects to take negative plays like sacks and throwaways. The only bright side? Wilson is playing for gumball machine money in Pittsburgh.

So what do the Steelers do? Terry Bradshaw isn’t going to run out onto that field in Pittsburgh, but the formula for making the playoffs will come straight from the 1970s: run the football and only throw it when the coast is clear. As depressing as that might sound to Steeler Nation, it’s time to face the reality that 2024 is going to be just as dry on offense as a Terrible Towel. The Steelers should absolutely start Russell Wilson and prioritize taking care of the football while playing good defense. Yuck, right?

Mike Tomlin is a fundamentally sound coach who will not tolerate giving the ball away or bad defense. His standard of excellence stems from never straying far from the main ingredients of winning. Turnover margin is an enormous focal point for any ball club, and the Steelers simply commit too many turnovers. Najee Harris is the kind of ball carrier who can handle the tough carries coming his way, while Jaylen Warren offers a shiftier, more explosive style in the backfield. These two running backs will have to be the main source of production and help establish the identity of the Steelers’ offense. It may not be sexy, but neither is sitting in your living room with a bag of hot Cheetos pretending you have a shot at making the playoffs if you let this passing game get out of hand. Yes, this year is going to be very boring in Pittsburgh, but do you want to have fun or do you want to win? Because you can’t have both.

It could be worse, though, Steelers fans. You could be married to a Daniel Jones type or stuck in cap purgatory with no short-term relief in sight. All I know is that from where I’m sitting this Monday morning, the only way for the Steelers to be competitive is to play a very conservative brand of ball on offense and pray to the pigskin gods that nothing happens to Russell Wilson—because it could get very ugly.